


The five times...

by Mira_Mirai



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Javi is too nice, Love Confessions, M/M, Overthinking, Post-Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics, PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics, Rejection, Romance, Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics, like Yuzu stop thinking, major overthinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-15 14:11:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19297351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mira_Mirai/pseuds/Mira_Mirai
Summary: The first time it happened, Yuzu thought it was too early.He was barely nineteen and was completely overwhelmed by the Olympic gold medal lying in his chest. There were just too many emotions running through his body. He was happy he had won but he was sad about how he had won. He was also relieved and tired and disappointed and proud but ashamed and humbled and also all-around overexcited.So when Javi came to his room to congratulate him, Yuzuru really didn’t have all his wits about him.“Yuzu” Javi whispered while hugging him, “I want to say something.”Javi asks Yuzu five times... Yuzu... well...(I suck at summaries, sorry).





	1. The five times...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [K1mHeechu1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/K1mHeechu1/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Kaleidoscope of Butterflies](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18114854) by [K1mHeechu1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/K1mHeechu1/pseuds/K1mHeechu1). 



> Okay, so this all started because K1mHeechu1 published that devastating first chapter of Kaleidoscope of Butterflies. I was angry at the sad ending but she dared me to write a happy one based on that. So, I thought "okay. I'll do it." and this happened... it will be a happy ending (I promise)... but anyway... this is what came out. Sorry. 
> 
> I hope some of you like it tho?
> 
> Also, I'm not a native speaker and I don't have a beta, so feel free to point out mistakes to correct!

 

The first time it happened, Yuzu thought it was too early.

He was barely nineteen and was completely overwhelmed by the Olympic gold medal lying in his chest. There were just too many emotions running through his body. He was happy he had won but he was sad about how he had won. He was also relieved and tired and disappointed and proud but ashamed and humbled and also all-around overexcited.

So when Javi came to his room to congratulate him, Yuzuru really didn’t have all his wits about him.

“Yuzu” Javi whispered while hugging him, “I want to say something”.

They had both sat on the bed, thighs touching. Yuzuru was looking at Javier who had his eyes complete focused on the white wall.

“Yuzu… I…” he turned to look at him, all fire in his eyes. “Yuzu, I am in love with you.”

Yuzuru blinked, the words were simple, but his brain took a long time to understand them.

“Jabi…”

Javier grabbed his hand and squished his fingers.

“I know it’s crazy. We are rivals. I’m Spanish, you are Japanese. We are so different. But… Yuzu… I love you. The best part of my day is always you.”

“Jabi…”

Javi gave him another squish.

“I know it will be very difficult, but I’m willing to work very hard, Yuzu. I promise. If you want… I’d love to try to be together… to make each other happy.”

Javi’s beautiful brown eyes glistened a bit and Yuzu was hit by the enormity of the moment. He had Javier Fernández’s heart in his hands. He would be responsible for Javier Fernández’s happiness.

That was a lot. A lot of pressure on top of the pressure of being Yuzuru Hanyu, the hope of Sendai. Sendai depended on him. Japan believed in him. His family scarified so much for him. He couldn’t let them down. He had so much pressure already. He couldn’t handle more.

But looking at Javier’s beautiful face he wanted so badly to say yes. But, he couldn’t, he wasn’t ready. It was his turn to squish Javi’s hand.

“Jabi… I’m sorry. Now is… impossible for me. Too much. So sorry. Please don’t hate.”

He looked to the floor. He couldn’t bear to look at Javi. He couldn’t see that beautiful face crumble in sadness because of him.

The silence was long. As long as the thirty seconds before the start of a program.

Finally, he felt a warm hand on his chin, softly but surely making him raise his eyes. Javi’s eyes were overflowing with tears, but he was not letting them fall down.

“I understand. It’s okay, Yuzu. It’s okay, okay?” He smiled. And that smile was a dagger straight to Yuzuru’s heart. Javi let go of his hand and stood up, heading for the door.

“Maybe in the future?” he said.

He sounded so unsure Yuzuru wanted to jump to his arms.

“Yes. In future. I think better.”

Javi nodded before getting out of his room.

Yuzuru started to cry. It couldn’t be now. But surely, in the future, it would be better. He’d have less pressure. He would have time to properly love Javi.

 

*_*_*

 

 

The second time, Yuzu was a crying mess.

Silver hanged from this neck and it felt as heavy as lead and as poisonous as mercury. He went to Javier, he had to congratulate him. He had been amazing. He had deserved to win. He was a worthy World Champion. Javi received him with open arms. They were warm and tender. They were safe, it was home inside those arms.

“Congratulations, Jabi. You deserve” he whispered. “I so happy you win gold medal for Spain.”

Javier smiled at him sweetly and caressed his cheeks like Yuzu was as precious as the gold that glistened from his medal.

“Thank you, Yuzuru. It means a lot. You were wonderful. Truly beautiful.”

Yuzu couldn’t hold it, he started crying again.

“What’s wrong?” asked Javi still keeping him in his arms.

“Nothing. I’m not crying. I’m not crying, Jabi. I’m happy Jabi win.”

Javier dried the tears from Yuzu’s face.

“Yuzu, it’s okay. I know you wanted the title. It’s okay.”

Yuzuru couldn’t fathom how Javier could say that. How he could mean it so wholeheartedly.

“I may have won today. But in my heart, you’re always the champion.”

A new wave of tears came running down and Yuzuru buried his head on Javi’s shoulder. Javi put one arm around his neck, to soothe him, to protect him from the world.

Yuzuru felt Javi’s lips next to his ear.

“I love you, Yuzu. I know you’re very sad now. But, please, let me try to make you happy.”

Yuzu leaned back so he could look at Javi in the eyes. There was nothing but love, hope and honesty in that face. Yuzu wanted to say yes.

To say: “Yes, please, Jabi, make me happy.”

But what came out of his mouth was: “I can’t, Jabi. Too complicated. Medals in middle of you and me. Too complicated now.”

He saw it. He saw the moment he broke Javier Fernández’s heart. His smile broke, his gaze dimmed, his energy disappeared. A second later, though. A new smile was in place. It was fake.

“It’s okay. I understand, Yuzu. You’re right. I’d be very difficult.”

Javi gave him another hug, quick and warm, before turning around to leave the green room. Yuzu saw him leave, his shoulder’s down, his feet dragging.

Yuzuru deserved a terrible punishment for destroying Javi’s happiest day. He truly did.

 

*_*_*

 

 

The third time was a complete déjà vu.

Yuzu got silver, Javi got gold. And if last year Yuzu thought Javier deserved the win, this year Javier had transcended the win. Javier had been magic, perfection, emotion, all rolled into one perfect body. Everyone watching him skate had fallen in love with him. His power had been undeniable.

Yuzuru hardly needed any more reasons to love Javier, but that free skate had done something more. That free skate had put Javi on a pedestal. A pedestal of greatness that was his inspiration. A pedestal that had Evgeni Plushenko, Johnny Weir and Stéphane Lambiel on it. Now it also held Javier Fernández. He had become an inspiration to Yuzu and something to aspire. And then…

“I’m sorry, Yuzu” said Javi with a small voice as soon as they were alone after the press conference.

“What?” Yuzuru was dumbfounded.

“I’m sorry. I… I really thought it’d be yours. You’ve been so amazing all season and… your programs are so perfect. I really didn’t think there was a chance for me, especially after the short and the boot problem.”

Yuzuru blinked at him. Completely lost.

“Jabi… but you say all day you want to defend tittle. You say that you think you can.”

Javier let out a self-deprecating laugh.

“That’s for the press, you know? And the fans. It’s not a very good look to come out and say: Hey, I know Yuzu will win so I’m just trying for silver here, but please, cheer for me.”

Yuzuru shook his head.

“Jabi, you always can beat me. You are so good. You are the best. I always think Jabi is my most dangerous rival. Jabi is my inspiration. Jabi is such beautiful skating.”

Javier averted his eyes, clearly embarrassed and Yuzuru felt a surge of love for him. For that perfect man who was kind where most were distant, who helped where most stood aside, who cared where most just used. Javier Fernández was truly too good for this world.

“Thank you, Yuzu. That means… everything to me. You…” He took a deep breath. “You mean the world to me.”

Javier reached out and grabbed Yuzuru’s nape. Softly, carefully. Once again, like he was holding a precious jewel.

“I know… I’m stupid… I know… I shouldn’t ask again… but… I have to.” He bit his lip and looked at Yuzu dead in the eye. “Yuzuru Hanyu, I’m crazy in love with you. I want to be with you… skate with you, sleep with you, live with you. I know the situation is very complicated. I know your life is very difficult. I know your country is not the most open one. I know all of this... But I think we can manage. If we try. Can we try, Yuzu? Please?”

Among all the things Javier Fernández was, he was also incredibly open and honest. Yuzuru couldn’t speak like that about what was in his heart. He should be able to, but he wasn’t. That’s why he skated. What his mouth couldn’t say his blades could.

And yet… he wanted everything Javi had said, he did but… he wasn’t on the ice now. He had no way of saying it.

So he didn’t say anything at all.

The minutes ticked and everything was silent.

After the longest time, Javier let him go.

“One of these days, Yuzu, I will have the guts to ask you if you even like me at all… But I’m so afraid of the answer… I guess that’s why I just tell you what I feel… to give you the chance to answer…”

“Jabi…”

The Spaniard touched the gold medal with a finger.

“Maybe when I don’t have this…”

Yuzuru was left alone to cry after that.

If anyone saw him, they would think he was crying because he had lost for the second time. But, for once in his life, the competition was the last thing on his mind.

 

*_*_*

 

 

The fourth time was when Yuzuru had finally done it.

He had won the gold. Hope and Legacy had taken him there. He was so satisfied. He had finally had a magic skate. His own Guys and Dolls. He could rest now.

Still, he wasn’t completely happy. Part of him ached for Javi. He had wanted to win, he had wanted to defeat Javi, but he had wanted Javi to hold the silver and stand next to him.

He had imagined a million scenarios… from him falling down the stairs on the way to the rink, to someone poisoning his water, gluing his blades or kidnapping Pooh-san. And, of course, he had imagined messing up the loop and popping the sal and falling on the toe and even under rotating the axels or missing the entry of the flying spin. But he had not imagined Javi would fall apart on the free after doing short program poised for the record books.

He had tried to make it better for him. He had made a tiny scene in front of the media putting the medal on Javi’s neck. But he doubted that had helped much. Javi was still sad and disappointed but still had found it in him to lovingly hug Yuzu and congratulate him honestly. The skating world didn’t know what it had in Javier Fernández.

“Yuzuru, now you have it. You’ve waited so long. Are you happy?” Javier asked.

Yuzuru felt his cheeks burn.

“Yes, I am happy. But how is Jabi?”

He shrugged his shoulders a resigned smile on his beautiful lips.  

“I’m sad about how I skated, but I’m very happy for you… Well… actually… I am in awe of you. Your free skate was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen… Thank you for sharing it with us.”

Yuzuru forgot to breathe.

“Really?”

Javier nodded.

“Thank you, Jabi. It means everything you say this.”

They hugged again and when they separated Javier cleared his throat.

“So… is now a good time? Now that you have the gold… Yuzu. I… still feel the same. And… I’m wondering if you’d like to try?”

Yuzuru felt paralyzed. He wanted so much to say yes. But he was so scared. He couldn’t deal with that now with the year they both had ahead of them. He needed more time. Just a bit more time.

“After Olympics, Jabi.” He whispered. “Can be after Olympics?”

Javier looked at him, sad but serene. “I’ll try.”

 

*_*_*

 

 

The fifth time was so fast Yuzuru almost missed it.

He had gotten a new World Record with the new Chopin and yet had lost to Javi’s Man of la Mancha.

He hadn’t seen much of Javi all summer with them training separately. So doing a challenger like the Autumn Classic was a nice throwback to their first Finlandia Trophy when Yuzu could only understand twenty percent of what Brian said but felt happy and safe walking next to Javier Fernández.

This time around, in Montreal, had been very much like that first time, they had huddled together in the small locker room looking at a sole piece of paper, they had sat together for the draw and joked around coming in and out of practice.

Yuzu was feeling like everything was sort of going back to its beginning and he felt great about that. If they could keep this up the whole season, the Olympics would go great for both of them, Yuzuru was sure.

But then, before the medal ceremony, Javi had put him aside for a moment, with a sweet but tense smile on his face.

“Yuzuru… I know what you said in Helsinki.” Yuzu’s heart started beating at lightning speed “But… I don’t think I can wait until after the Olympics.”

Javier looked down, clearly embarrassed. “I’m so sorry, Yuzu. I know it’s the last thing you need. But… I can’t wait.”

When he looked back up his eyes were moist, and his smile was strained. Because he knew. He knew what Yuzu would say.

“Jabi… it’s impossible… for me… before Korea.”

Javier nodded softly and reached out to cup Yuzu’s face.

“I know…” he sighed. “If you could, you wouldn’t be my Yuzuru Hanyu.”

He left Yuzu behind a second later.

Javi’s words hadn’t been mean but Yuzu had never felt more of a failure than in that secluded corner of a second-class ice rink.

He could do everything right in his life. But this… this he could never do more wrong.

 

 *_*_*

 

 

There wasn’t a sixth time.


	2. The first time...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Javi did not ask a sixth time... what will Yuzuru do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it... It turned out... weird. Some of it I like, some of it not really... But well... 
> 
> Also, it's unbeta'd, I'm severely sleep-deprived and English is not my first language. So, sorry in advance. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it tho...
> 
> Also! In this chapter you actually have the sentence from the K1mHeechu1 fic that started this all. See if you can spot it! ;)

There wasn’t a sixth time but there were words…

“This is my last Olympics” Javi whispered to the space in between Yuzu’s and Shoma’s heads.

“What?” Yuzu said.

Javi completely ignored him.

“This has also been the last time we compete with each other…” he continued. “I’m so glad about how we all did. Skating is safe with you. You’ll be so great. I’ll always cheer for you two.”

“No!” Yuzuru screeched this time.

Javi put his hand through the back on of his head, inside his moist hair. It was known gesture, a gesture that had soothed him plenty of times before.

“Yuzu...”

But not this time. Yuzu shook his head.

“No. Jabi. No.” Javi’s hand pressed a little harder on his nape, reassuringly. “I can’t do it without you.”

He heard Javi sigh. He broke from the hug and put his hand over his cheeks, they were smeared with tears.

“You’re so bad.” He yelled like an annoyed three-year-old. He didn’t care.

Javi smiled at him, a bit sad. He mouthed two words at him. Yuzuru’s English was awful, but he easily identified those lips moving as a soft “I’m sorry”.

So he jumped on Javi again, hugging him tight.

“No, Javi, please, no.”

Javi leaned on him, Yuzuru felt his mouth grazing his neck. “It’s okay, Yuzu. It’s time.”

It wasn’t okay. And it couldn’t be time already. It couldn’t. Yuzu hadn’t had time yet. He looked at Javi again. He looked happy and sad and relieved and tired at the same time. He was a complicated mess. Like the mess Yuzu had been at Sochi.

Yuzuru stepped back a little. He needed to gather himself. He needed to get a hold of his emotions. This is what he’d been working for. He had to honor this goal with grace and dignity.

But then, they announced Javi as the bronze medalist and Yuzu cried again. And then clung to Javier at the podium while they were getting the plushies.

He had to get it together…

But he continued to cry backstage, on the way to the medal ceremony. He also kept clinging to Javi. Yuzuru couldn’t seem to let him go but luckily Javier seemed happy enough to indulge him. Because Javi was nice like that.

And finally, on a bright stage on a cold February night, he stood on a podium with his chest heavy with Olympic gold. His second Olympic gold.

This was it.

He had gotten everything he had wanted. He had done it. He should be completely and deliriously happy. And yet…

Yet… it just dawned on Yuzu how much had had to sacrifice to get to here. How much he had decided to ignore. So much he had completely disposed of…

Like Javier Fernández.

Javier Fernández who was now leaving.

Leaving Skating, leaving Toronto, leaving… Yuzuru.

And he couldn’t blame anyone but himself. He had done this. Him alone.

He had halted his life for his Olympic dream. And he had been a big idiot to assume that meant it’d be the same for everyone else.

Javi could wait, right?

It was only four years. Was that really so much to ask?

It was… it was if you give nothing at all in return.  

And Yuzuru hadn’t.

He hadn’t given Javier anything at all. He couldn’t, because he wanted the gold. So everything he had, Yuzu gave to that pursuit… and that pursuit alone… And now he had it.

He had the gold… and nothing more.

It was beautiful. It shone a lot. But it was also cold.

The day was endless. People kept swinging him around from one place to another. Microphone after microphone were shoved on his face. Hundreds of bright flashes were shot straight to his eyes.

It was an eternity until they let him go.

As soon as he got to his room, he fell on the bed, face first, and cried once more. He didn’t understand how it was possible for him to still have energy to cry or tears to spare. And yet, he still seemed to have plenty of both things.

He cried so hard he didn’t hear the knock on the door, or the subsequent click that announced the door being opened. He didn’t even notice the soft steps on the carpet.

But he felt a warm hand on his head.

Impossible as it was, he knew it was Javier.

“How you here?” he said against the pillow he was smothering.

“Your mom gave me the key.”

“Why?” Yuzuru finally turned, red rimmed eyes and all, to look at Javier.

Fortunately the room was quite dark, only a dash of light slipping through the drawn curtains.

Javier sat on the bed, looking at him with a gentle expression.

“Why are you still crying Yuzu?” he said with a tiny twinge of humor.

“I… don’t know” he replied.

Javi nodded, clearly indulging his lie.

“I wanted to come and say goodbye” he added. “I’m leaving for Spain. I have to go and do press.”

Yuzuru felt the air knocked out of his lungs.

No.

This couldn’t be.

It was too much. Way too much.

He needed time to process. He couldn’t learn Javi was leaving competition and lose him on the same day.

He just couldn’t.

“NO!” he yelled. “NO!”

“Yuzuru…”

Javi put a hand out to reach for Yuzuru’s face but he swatted it away in anger.

“NO, Jabi! You cannot leave today. I not let you!”

Javi let out a soft giggle and Yuzuru got even angrier.

“Why you laugh?”

Javi managed to put a hand on top of his head and he started to gently rub his hair.

“Only you, Yuzu. Only you.” The hand descended until it got to Yuzuru’s chin, which he slowly turned up. “But I’m going though. You have many powers, but not the power to stop my manager when he’s on a media chase.”

Yuzuru didn’t get all the words Javi said, but he understood the important ones. He started crying again.

“Oh, Yuzu. Please, don’t cry. It’s gonna be okay.”

Yuzuru shook his head with intention.

“Oh, come on” said Javi, “I’m sure you don’t miss me that much anymore…”

Now Yuzuru felt like someone had kicked him in the stomach wearing metal soled boots.

“Jabi, IDIOT!” he screamed. “I miss you every day. I missing you now and you are here. I miss you ALWAYS!!”

Javi’s smile disappeared. “What?”

Yuzu turned around so Javi wouldn’t see him. But Javi wasn’t having it. He grabbed one of Yuzuru’s shoulder and softly but steadily started moving him. Yuzu’s eyes ended up zeroed on Javier’s chin. “What are you saying, Yuzu?”

Yuzuru felt his heart was about to explode. It was like the nerves from all of his competitions had gathered together in the back of his throat, cutting his voice.

Javi seemed to notice, like he always seemed to notice everything about Yuzu.

“You seem scared, Yuzu.”

He nodded.

Javi’s chin moved a little, Yuzuru could almost detect the smile above it.

“Why would you be scared… hmm?”

Javier’s hand caressed his hair lightly.

 Yuzuru’s heart was racing.

“You’re never scared...” Javi continued.

Yuzu fought with the ball in his throat.

“I am of this” he said finally raising his eyes to look at Javi.

“Why?”

Yuzu dug his nails into his palms.

“Because this I cannot practice. This I cannot make better. This I cannot put numbers to get best score. This is one moment and it’s over. No free skate after to fix, no next season to do better next time.”

Three of Javi’s fingers softly danced from Yuzuru’s temple to the left corner of his mouth. A goose bump shook him from head to toe.

“And why do you think you’ll do it wrong?”

“Because I don’t know!” Yuzu yelled into the night. “I don’t anything about this. All life only skate. My life very little things. So I know so little things about outside life. I don’t know how do boyfriends. I don’t know if we say boyfriends. I don’t know how to kiss or do sex. I don’t want Jabi to hate me.”

Javi seemed to get more and more confused the more Yuzuru spoke, but he still sounded calm and soft.

“Yuzu, you know I could never hate you…”

He grabbed Javier’s wrists as hard as he could. He needed Javi to understand.

“But I make Jabi wait so long” Yuzuru added. “So small thing become big thing and is my fault. I say no one time, two time, three time, four time, five time… so maybe if in beginning Jabi would accept me not know how to love, is okay because I say yes soon. But no, I no say yes soon. I say yes late. Much late.”

Javi turned his hands around making Yuzu release him. His smile was gone.

“Yuzu, you never said yes.”

The chill of the Korean night came into the room.

“What?”

Or maybe it was the chill from Javi’s eyes.

“You have never said yes to me when I’ve confessed.”

Yuzu realized that what Javi was saying was true. He had never said yes. He had only said no or nothing.

“I… I’m sorry.”

Tears gathered in his eyes and Javi let out a tired sigh. His softly swept his hands through Yuzu’s cheeks. The touched lasted a second, the heat it left behind remained there.

Javi opened his mouth. “That question, it’s off the table, Yuzu. It doesn’t exist anymore, do you understand?”

Yuzu made the effort to nod.

“It mean you not gonna ask time number six?” he ventured.

“No. I’m not gonna ask a sixth time.” Javier confirmed.

“Oh.”

They stood sitting silently in the dark for a small eternity. Nowhere to go from there.

Until Javi spoke again.

“But you can ask me, Yuzu. You can ask me a question if you want.”

Javier Fernández really was the impossible dream.

He had given Yuzuru a second chance, a new season, a free skate.

It was now or never. Like it had been today when the first notes of Seimei had filled the arena.

He had to do it, now. It didn’t matter how. He just had to.

This was like going for a new quad for the first time. It was that fear and excitement. It was the promise of a fall that would hurt very badly but also a tiny minuscule ray of hope that it would be okay. Yuzuru had had to face that a few times before… with the toe and the sal and the loop. And with that blasted lutz, the annoying flip and even with the impossible axel. It was sure to hurt, but he had to jump.

He was Yuzuru Hanyu and that was what he did.

“Jabi” he said looking straight to those beautiful caramel eyes “you marry me?”

Javi got up in a second and tripped with his own feet. He ended up sitting down on the other bed, looking at Yuzuru with huge eyes and his mouth hanging open. “What?”

Yuzuru took a deep breath.

“I love Jabi. I love Jabi always. But I could not love Jabi and have Olympics so I’m bad to Jabi and say no and hurt five times. I so sorry. I cry every time I say no to Jabi. I cry a lot.”

“Yuzu…”

He raised his hand to stop him. If Javi interrupted he would mess the timing, Yuzu wouldn’t be able to finish the jump.

“I know is too late. But I want Jabi to know. Always I love Jabi. Only I love Jabi. So I want try with Jabi. So, Jabi marry me and we try?”

Javier Fernández stood there, petrified. It was like someone had made one of those weird wax statues they put in museums. And, just like the ones in those museums, the expression of his face was a bit strange. His eyes were too big, his jaw was almost out of place.

A second later, he jumped high enough to do a triple axel and pointed a finger at Yuzuru, intensely.

“Yuzu… Are you fucking kidding me?” He was now the one yelling. “Four years! Four fucking years… I could understand Sochi, I was young and you were really… young. Okay. I knew that. I accepted it.” His voice started to lower. “And Shanghai too, okay? I got it. That one stung pretty bad but I understood. Boston… Boston was tough Yuzu… it’s not only that you rejected me… I almost wasn’t sure if you liked me… I thought for a second, maybe he hates me now, because of the gold.”

Yuzuru’s heart was pierced by those words.

“So… when Helsinki happened. I was fucking devastated, I truly was… It was the beginning of the end for me. How could I miss that podium? How? I felt a ticking bomb in my head… starting a countdown for demolition. But I thought… maybe… now. Maybe now I can have Yuzu. I thought that would be my saving grace… Yeah, maybe my career was starting to end but if I had the one I loved.” No, those were the words that truly stabbed Yuzuru. “But no… you said no again… you didn’t even bother with an excuse… it was all… Olympics. And I get it, Yuzu. Believe I fucking get it.” He touched Yuzu’s shoulder for a brief instant. “I don’t have the dreams of Japan hanging on my shoulders, but I have the ignorance of Spain weighting me down. I’ve always been alone in this.” Javi’s eyes filled with tears and, for once, he let them run down. “Your dream… it was your country’s dream. They all cheered, they all helped. Nobody fucking cared about my dream, Yuzu. I had to do it alone. I don’t know… which one is worse, okay? Your pressure or mine?”

Javi took a moment to deeply breath and then sat back down again, next to Yuzuru. He grabbed one of his hands.

“But it was awful for me too… and sometimes you’re so fucking Yuzuru Hanyu you can’t see beyond your goal. And that fucking hurts, Yuzu.” He made sure their stares were locked. Yuzuru couldn’t have looked away even if he had wanted to. It was painful to look at Javi while listening to this. But not knowing would hurt forever. “I’ve been next to you for six years. I’ve been crazy in love with you for five... Trying to be there for you, giving it all, expecting nothing… and getting nothing.” He squeezed his hand. “And I tried. I tried Yuzu… waiting as much as I could. Eating my pride. Going for the fucking quad… one more time… knowing how much the fall would hurt... In Autumn Classic I was hanging by a threat Yuzu... I was drowning. I needed your love so much then…”

Yuzu jumped on Javi enveloping him with his arms, sharing his tears.

“I’m so sorry, Jabi. I’m so sorry.”

Javi accepted the arms around him and put his around Yuzuru.

“I know you are, Yuzu. I know…”

Yuzuru felt the fall before it happened.

“But… that’s useless now” said Javi. “When I needed you the most you weren’t there… And let me tell you… there were so many nights I wasn’t sure I would get through it. So many… But…”

Javi stepped back, breaking the embrace. His red eyes met Yuzuru’s.

“I got through it, Yuzu. I got through it… alone. And I realized that I could live without you… I could make a life without you… And that’s what I’m doing.”

Yuzuru felt his heart being ripped into pieces. Each of them a moment that defined him, that defined his love for Javier. And it hurt. It hurt a lot. But it was bearable. Yuzuru realized what Javi was saying. He would be able to live with this pain, just as he had learned to live with the physical pain. He would be able to do it…

But he didn’t want to.

He was Yuzuru Hanyu. He made the impossible, possible.

He had done it before.

He could do it again.

He gathered all the confidence he didn’t have and grabbed Javier’s face.

“Yes. Jabi can make life alone. But is what you want? You want life without me?”

Javi’s lowered lip trembled.

“I’ve never had you, Yuzu.”

Yuzu went for his cutest, softest face.

“You marry me, you have me, Jabi.”

The silence turned so heavy the temperature of the room rose like ten degrees making it almost difficult to breathe.

Javi shook his head while standing up. He left the hotel key on the bedside table.

“You think it’s that easy, Yuzuru?” his voice sounded pained.

Yuzuru bit his lip.

“Not easy, Jabi, is simple.”

“You’re fucking unbelievable, Yuzu.” Javi started walking to the door, his back to Yuzu.

Yuzuru nodded, agreeing, his heart pounding with pain.

“Yes, I know.”

Javi let out a tiny laugh. But it wasn't really a happy one and then left the door, leaving Yuzu covered in darkness.

Yuzuru fell back down on the bed, back first and pushed his palms hard against his eyes. He didn’t think he had more tears to cry.

He didn’t think he would be able to…

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK

There was frantic knocking on the door, like someone was trying to nail a frame on it incessantly. Yuzu went to open it, half scared something had happened.

At the other stood Javier Fernández, looking like he is about to start his Malagueña. Yuzuru swallowed.

Javi grabbed him by the shoulders to make his way into the room. He kicked the door shut with one of his feet.  

“Fucking Yuzu” he said with gritted teeth.

And then…

He kissed him.

He kissed Yuzuru with all the heat of the sun and all the power of all the quad salchows he had ever landed.

Yuzu almost fainted.

Javier let him go and steadily led him to the bed, where Yuzuru plummeted. He looked up to Javi, confused. He opened his mouth but Javi lifted a finger, effectively shutting him up. 

“Now I’m going to Spain to do press. I’m coming back for the gala. You better research gay sex. Because the first night I’m back we’re making love all night, got it?”

Yuzu nodded fervently. Javi moved his head down, just once.

“Good.” He said. “I’m going now.”

“Okay.”

Javi got to the door.

“What’s your ring size, Yuzu?”

Yuzu stopped breathing.

“Nine.”

Javi looked at him over his shoulder. A tiny hint of a smile under his nose.

“Got it.”

The door closed with a loud bang.

But it wasn’t louder than Yuzu’s squeals against the pillow.

*_*_*

Yuzu looked ahead. At the front of the church stood Javi, gorgeous, elegant, looking like he was about to die of happiness.

And Yuzuru stood seated on a bench, quiet, silent, looking like he was about to die of sadness.

Someone in white was moving towards Javi. Someone that was not Yuzuru. Someone that was going to have the life Yuzuru wished for.

And he could only sit and watch…

Even if Yuzuru was now forever stuck loving a married man that had loved him back all this time, but had gotten tired of waiting for him.

RIIIIIIIIIING!!! RIIIIIIIING!!!

The alarm clock shook Yuzuru into consciousness. The dream still vivid in his mind.

"Turn it off, Yuzu. I want to sleep five more minutes."

Yuzu turned around, Javi was lying next to him, his head buried in the pillow half hidden by his left hand where a wedding ring shone with the morning light. Yuzuru checked his own and smiled. He turned off the alarm and lied back down and nestled his head into his husband's back who just let out a content hum.

Javier Fernández had asked five times...

Yuzuru Hanyu had asked just once...

Well, it wasn’t really a competition, but Yuzu was happy he had won it nonetheless. After all, he did love gold, especially round, shiny and on his finger.

And that gold, no one would ever take from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this far! 
> 
> Let me know what you think. 
> 
> Should I try to write more Yuzuvier?

**Author's Note:**

> I'll fix it. I promise. 
> 
> Let me know what you think. I've never written for this fandom >////<


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